First real session......

Yep today is my first real session with the therapist for my depression. Last week was more like a general session for her to gain random information about me like school and work and my living situation and where I grew up and things like that. It really wasn't a session to start trying to get to the root of any issues I still may be holding onto. Although we did tap into one that I'm sure she'll expand more and want to tackle more. I don't remember what brought it up but I started to mention about my grandfather passing away and had trouble speaking and of course started to cry. I know his death still affects me. How can it not? I was so close to him and he was the first real close family member to pass away and worst of all was having to watch him slowly die before my own eyes. He suffered from Dementia, Alzheimers and Parkinsons and all 3 just raced through his system. I mean I can literally look at pictures of him from one month and then another month and he almost looks like a different person as he started to fade away. Like when I graduated in '98 he wasn't too bad off but he was starting to go downhill. By that Christmas he was pretty much just there. He really wasn't aware of the world around him that much.

I guess it also hit me hard because he was always so strong so to see him like that just crushed so much of what I believed and thought. You know? I wonder what the therapist will say when she finds out I have never visited his grave. I kind of refuse to because his wishes were to be buried in Scotland alongside his sisters and family but my family here decided against it and buried him here. So that kind of pissed me off and is mostly why I refuse to visit.

I think the hardest thing for me today will be being honest and not trying to paint everything like a perfect picture. It's not easy for me to admit things that bother me or upset me. It's just the way I am and I know to get fully better and over this I have to stop that. It's just not easy to go from hardly letting anyone into your life and problems to having to open up completely and let it all out even if it's just a little bit at a time. I've got appointments the next 2 weeks as well. Not really sure how many sessions she's going to want me to go through, but we'll see. It'll kind of just depend on how I'm doing and how I feel it's helping me. I mean cause honestly if it gets to a point where I don't feel it's helping then there won't be a point in going. But right now it seems to be so...we're going with it. I'm just nervous since I don't really know what all to expect. I guess I'll find out in a about 2 hours or so.