Admitting a secret....

Granted if I wasn't drunk right now and emotional...I probably wouldn't be admitting to this but oh well. There's only 2 people currently in my immediate life that will read this and if they know...I can handle that. See this ties into my depression and how I deal with that. See some people cut to feel better...to release the pain they feel inside. It's their release from the emotional pain because pyshical pain isn't as bad as emotional. I don't cut...but I do hit. By that I mean when I get really emotional and inside I am hurting too much to deal with it...chances are I'll hit something. I've hit everything from walls in a bathroom stall to my computer desk to the window of my truck. The knuckles on my right hand have been so bruised some times from my hitting but feeling the pain in my head takes my mind off the pain I feel inside my heart and soul. Yes I know it's stupid but it's something that gets me through the rough times in life.

Why am I admitting to all of this? Knowing that some people may read this and look down on me? Well tonight has been a bad night for me. I don't even know if I want to write about the situation but basically tonight someone proved that I don't mean shit to them. That's fine if they had gotten the balls together to tell me in a straight way but instead they went the roundabout way. Which bothered me so much. I ended up hitting my desk twice and yes right now 2 of my knuckles are really red. I'm not proud of what I do by any means. I wish I didn't do it...but sometimes I can't control it. It just happens. Like tonight. I guess part of me doesn't want to hide stuff anymore. I want people to know me for my strengthes and weaknesses. It's who I am.

So yeah that's one of my dark secrets....I hit things when I am hurting soo much inside that I can't deal with the pain. I hit something to take my mind off that inner pain. It's not a good thing, but it's something I am working on dealing with.