Still alive and kicking

I figured I'd update these into here before they get deleted out of my phone. A few times I've been inspired to write and the only thing around to write on/in was my cell phone. I figured why not put them up in here. Unfortunately 2 of them I have no idea on when I wrote them. The other I know when I wrote because it was just last night. There's no title to any of them, at least not yet. None of them are really long either. I know the first was written at some point after my father went off on me. Don't ask because it's not really anything I want to get into. And if I remember right I had left the house and just drove around and at some point I wrote this poem.
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment in your eyes,
If you saw inside my heart you'd know that kills me.
You'd know the pain those words strike inside,
You'd understand the hurt that I've hid.
A piece of my heart shattered each time you spoke those words,
Inside dying that you saw me that way.
Always hurt that I'd failed you in some way,
Heart shattered by the disappointment you felt at me.

This next one I really have no clue when I wrote it or what really brought it on. Just another one of those spur of the moment poems that kinda came to me and I really wanted to write it down. Although now looking at it, not really liking it a whole lot but it's written so here it is.
Never understanding why I can't find love,
Unsure of why I'm always the fool in the game.
Tears shed and wounds healed as I continue on my way,
Always wondering what I did to deserve this all.
Wondering what I did to warrant these tears,
Curious to the wrong I did and brought this on.
Always alone and wanting to feel the love,
Never the lucky one who gets to feel that warmth.

This is the one I wrote last night. Just popped into my head. Sometimes I let the thoughts just fade, but sometimes I just feel the flow coming a bit too much not to write it down somehow or some way. Hell I've written poems on napkins before because it was the only thing around to write on.
I'm the one they all walk past,
No second glance will come my way.
I'm the one supposedly with what they want,
Yet I remain the one passed on yet again.
Watching as I never catch their eye,
Always passed up for some empty shell.
They wonder why I never believe their praise,
Life says otherwise so I listen to it.
I'm supposedly the prized catch,
But alone I remain so explain that to me.

Dun dun dun....the DATE!

Originally I was going to write about the date and then an update entry. But now I can't, well at least not the original way that I was going to. See I want you to be able to read about the date before you read the update. That way you'll be in the same spot as me. So in order to do that...you only get one post instead of 2, if I hadn't slacked off. Anyway last Friday I went on a date, well I guess that's what you can call it. The original plan was to go to a movie but Mike (the date) was running late so we opted to hit the bar and then go to a later showing of the movie. Things went well. Okay break so I can give the info on him. He's 26, a little bit taller then me, dark hair and brown eyes. He's about average build and is an electrician. One downside is the fact he was married before but it ended due to her cheating on him. Regardless though that wouldn't be a reason for me to rule someone out.

He picked me up and we hit a little bar near my house. I hadn't been there and I figured it might be a good start to the evening. Things were going really well. Chat was flowing easily between us and we were laughing and just getting along really well. I was telling things about myself and he was telling things about himself as well. Even thoughout the night he found little slick ways to make contact. Like once touching my leg to confirm that the pants I had on were in fact cords. Or even another time when he came back in from outside touching my face to show that his hands were cold. Even doing that again later to prove they were still cold and that now he wasn't sure if it was from the beer bottle or outside. Even at one point he touched my shoulder to give me an idea of exactly an area on him that had been injured in the past. It just really went well. We were there for more then a few hours. We ended up skipping the movie and just sitting there and talking all night. It wasn't like he seemed bored or eager to escape the night.

Now before all of this we had talked online, through text messages and over the phone. In fact a few days texts were sent back and forth all day long. I can't even count how many texts were sent between us. Even at the bar we talked about him coming to a party that my brother is having this weekend for Halloween. We talked about this Friday going to a haunted house with some of my friends. Plans were being made and I thought okay this is cool, something might actually come about from all of this.

But now I'm not so sure. Text messages between us have definitely slowed down a lot. I just don't get the same vibe from him as I did before. And now today suddenly he's not sure about anything this weekend because he's kinda busy. I admit I was pissed off. It was like what the hell?? I know we had agreed on it because he talked about something else he had going on and how he'd go there for a certain amount of time and then come to the party. I'm trying not to be negative about this but at the same time, I'm not going to be a fool about it either. I've even asked him if I would see him again and he said definitely, but it just doesn't seem the same. It's just so hard to explain it really. It's almost like his excitement is gone. Before if I sent any texts asking him something I got a response back. That's not the case anymore. I'm lucky to get a response back now. I think I may just chalk this one up to a lesson learned.

Like the other day was a bit annoying with him. He was asking just how far I would go with things and how kinky I can be. I said somethings that I would maybe consider. Now what pissed me off was when he took the one and was like well maybe we can have a 3some with the bartender at the bar. It's like um excuse me?!?? Yes because the first time I have sex with someone that I might get involved with in a serious way, I want it to be a 3some. I flat out called him out on it and was like why does it seem like you want to check it out so much? And asked if I wasn't enough because he was like what about this weekend? I was like no, I'm busy both days. Then he was like what about tomorrow (meaning today). He tried to respond back to my question if I wasn't enough that not that, just seeing what you will do. What the heck kind of reason is that?? Then he had to throw out the usual....well it's a fantasy to have 2 girls. Please insert eye roll. Then I even told him that well if he wanted a 3some with 2 girls that I may be the wrong girl for him to talk to. His response was what I expected with him saying I stand up for myself and he likes that. I felt like going good way to try not to piss me off more. Then even today again he made a joke about having to go see the bartender. I didn't respond and eventually he was like not funny huh. I was like nope, not at all. Feel free to say whatever you'd like about this one. I already know that there isn't really any hope with it.

Tied down to my books

So yes the joy of going back to school wore off and wore off quickly at that! Having a slight teacher from hell probably doesn't help any either. Now let me explain. It's an 8 week class instead of 16 which means we're already busting our asses to do more work in less time. Now she already has us doing 2 chapters most weeks and that includes a test for each chapter so you figure 2 tests a week. Which is on top of your reading those 2 chapters. But then she requires us also to post on any topics on the discussion board which most weeks are 2 to 3 boards to hit. It doesn't stop there. Not only do you have to post your own original post for each board, you also have to then respond to a post on each of those boards. But it gets better...we also have a final paper due that is at least 3 to 8 pages. And so far when I've glanced at the directions for it, I've left going okay could we be more VAGUE about what the paper has to cover???!!?? So I'm not liking this teacher very well. Plus I got a 3 out of 6 on a post that was an introduction about myself! I mean seriously...WTF! I covered what she wanted us to address in it. And I know 2 other people who got the same score. The teacher appears to be a hardass on the posts. My other class I'm batting .1000 when it comes to the board posts.

So between work and school that's about my life lately. Not really a lot of time for other things. Although I did go down to Columbus this weekend to visit my brother. We hit the Journey/Def Leppard concert on Sunday which was awesome. Great show! Plus I was in love with my frozen margarita drinks! Yummy!!! I could have gone for a few more of those suckers. My love life for a while did seem like it had finally reached a great spot and then the brick wall came up out of nowhere and bam...back to nothing. Oh well back to work I go.

To be young again

For some lucky reason our work had decided to put together a company picnic. Now why we are lucky is the fact this would mean we could attend and get the afternoon off, granted you had to stay there but hey it beats working. If you didn't want to go then you had to use time off for it. I went and had a blast. They did some team games to get everyone to know each other more since my section recently became a part of this bigger group. We had to pick a sucker out of a box as well as a color strip which ended up being our teams. More on that later. Turned out I had some luck going. I noticed my sucker on the bottom was blue. Turned out there was only 2 winners. One from my section and one from the old section. My gift? 2 tickets to the Indians game on August 26th and they are kind of behind home plate so it's like wow. That was just to start off my day.

They gave each team a disposable camera to take pictures throughout the afternoon and I can't wait to see our pictures! I wish I had taken my digital with me. We did this ice breaker thing to answer questions and our group went and started taking some pics with everyone on the swings goofing around. A friend of mine was goofing around on one of those...well they are hard to describe but it's usually some animal on a big spring and you can basically rock back and forth. Then I climbed up this rock formation (it was part of the playground) and she snapped a pic. Then it was off to the real games. We CREAMED this other team in 80s trivia. In fact we were the top team getting 11 points. Our opponents had 1 which was also their first question. The next closest team to us had 6 points.

After that we had to put together a small like commercial skit since we work with insurance. Ours was alright. My idea was better but the one guy kept going on rambles and trying to turn it all serious and like our current commercials. I don't think he realized that to win it was going to take laughs. In fact the team that won had people laughing almost the entire time and had done like a top 10 thing for why you should have Progressive. Like one girl was with Allstate and said she couldn't stay with them because she can't trust herself in just anybody's hands. For Prudential this girl was like the only rock I'm interested in is a diamond. It was things like that to kind of goof on other insurance companies and was just great. I jumped in at the last minute and added one of our only humor moments. We pretended an accident and then the one insured with us got repaired through a program we have quickly. The other person called their insurance (Geico) but got no luck. I faked being the Geico rep and acted like I was busy doing my nails before I finally answered the phone only to say we were closed for the day to mourn the death of the Gecko who had died the previous day in a car accident and to like call back tomorrow or something. I did it totally like eh who cares attitude from the rep. I think we ended up being the 3rd or 4th team out of like 6 teams. Anyway overall our team ended up winning it all so I got 2 more little gifts (a CD visor holder and a coffee cup). But hey I got my tickets so can't complain.

Now the highlight...we had a break to just do whatever and me and 5 other girls hit the playground again. We started off with a swing contest. Myself and one other girl got the highest but then it was a matter of trying to stop. LOL Granted being older now we didn't have that option of getting off the swing like you did as a child...which would be jumping. LOL Then it was off to the playground. We went down the slides, climbed the rock wall, climbed up the different things, just were crazy. I had to laugh because having the backside I got slides don't go well for me. I was playing around sitting at the top of a slide (thankfully it wasn't too big). I joked that the only way wide ass people could go down was to turn sideways and I did and next thing I know I was on my way down. LOL Trust me it caught me off guard. I was like woah! There is a picture of that. Someone snapped one. Once I get pics back I'll post some. But it was such a good time. Just fun to kick back and be carefree in a way.

Relay for Life 2006

I figured I'd take the time to update before someone hunts me down *cough* Elle *cough* From Friday at noon till Saturday at noon I was taking part in a 24 hour Relay for Life walk. Basically people put together teams and try to have at least one member walking the track at all times. We each raise money going into the event and even during the event we can sell things like baked goods and so forth to raise even more money. All the money goes for cancer research. I didn't sleep at all. I was just too...well not really wound up but more like caught up in all of it to sleep. All total I walked 71 laps which is 17.75 miles. I just couldn't walk anymore. Between all of my blisters and the fact my shorts had kind of rubbed part of my thighs the wrong way...just was in too much pain to go on. But I still walked way more then anyone else on my team. I walked at least 1 lap each hour. I'm proud of how I pushed myself and what I did. At one point a team had sold links for a chain they were making. Each link was basically in honor or memory of someone who has either dealt with or is dealing with cancer. They sold over 2000 links. I helped carry it around the track. It was such an emotional moment with there being a moment of silence as well. I was just taken back seeing so many people motivated for the cause and doing what they could. It was nice to be part of it.

I truly enjoyed every moment of it and would definitely do it again. Although next time I might cut back on a few laps since I'm still suffering from it. But as I told myself...sure I could take a break but someone with cancer can't just take a break because they are tired of dealing with it. They have no choice but to always have it there. I also had bought a luminary in honor of my grandmother who has had her own battles with cancer. Which later I got to light.

It's really hard to explain the whole event. It was everyone pulling together and showing their support for the cause. I ended up winning 3 out of 7 dress up hours. Yes I was the school spirit, tackiest tourists and the best pjs! Go me!! Anyway below is a link to some of the pictures I took. Ohhh almost forgot about the frozen t-shirt contest! Ugh talk about a battle. That t-shirt was beyond frozen!!

http://s64.photobucket.com/albums/h166/relay4lifemjd/

Tired and sore

I am just so tired. I feel like I'm almost always tired. And on top of that I'm sore from all the work I did the other day. The worst part is one area that is sore is actually the back of my knees. So anytime I stretch my legs it hurts or even walking. Not fun I'll tell ya that. It's almost where you don't want to stretch because of the way it feels. My back feels a little bit better thankfully. Anyway Tuesday right after I got home I had a lot of things to do. Unfortunately due to my stupid neighbor kids (I'm almost 100% sure they are behind it)...I had to spend a bunch of time cleaning up glass from our broken picnic table top. That took almost an hour and a half. I think that's where most of my pain is coming from because most of that time was either bending over or kneeling down to clean it up. About the only good thing about that was where I was cleaning up was in the shade. Even still I was sweating my ass off. I can only imagine how bad it would have been if it had been in the direct sun. But the busted table was just further reason of why I hate my neighbors.

We're almost certain they are only renting the house which means they don't care as much about how crappy it may look or anything like that. We are always finding stupid balls in our yard which have to come OVER a privacy fence. I'm talking basketballs, the plastic balls that kids usually use when they play like four square and stuff like that, footballs and so forth. There was even times we had FOOD items in our yard like orange peels (um we never have oranges in our house so they sure as hell aren't from us), potatos and some bananas. Ohh how I wanted to grab those and just throw them as hard as I could at their house but I held back. I've gotten so tired of all the balls in the yard that now when I find out I go to our driveway and kick it down the driveway and watch the ball roll into the street. Once every now and then I could understand but this is a constant situation. These are the type of kids who play in the street and when a car comes through they almost don't move. And when they finally do decide to get the hell out of your way they move all of about 2 feet. Ugh. I think the parents are probably just as worthless as these kids.

So once I finished that I had to cut grass. I barely was able to finish that because my legs were so worn out. Probably didn't help that I hadn't really eaten lunch that day and hadn't eaten dinner yet. Then there was moving one table out and moving another one in. And you would think after all that I would sleep well and fall asleep quickly, right? Nah! I laid down and it was like no, no I can't be almost wide awake!! Today was bad since I almost slept through my alarm. Well I did sleep through a few minutes of it. Good thing I wasn't able to figure out the way to shut off the sound in my dream or else I would have been late for work. LOL

I wish I had something exciting to write about but not much has been going on lately. At least not anything that would make an exciting entry in here. I'm looking to have an easy, laid back weekend. In fact I still need to check with my boss to see if I'm allowed to take a half day tomorrow or not. I hope I am.

No more drama

I still can't believe that it's June already. In about 5 and 1/2 months I'll be 27. It's so crazy how this year is just flying by. Almost like a blur even though so much has gone on this year. Then to think about what was going on this time last year. I mean I was getting all excited about my trip to Vegas for my school reunion and the chance to see old friends again. It almost seems unreal to think it's almost been a year since that trip. Almost mind blowing really when you think about how it seems like not that long ago that we were ringing in another new year and now the year is like half over. Speaking of trips I just realized I need to find my one journal. I have a written journal that I started, hmm, probably 4 or 5 years ago. There's not a lot in it. I've only written in it when I went on trips. It was just my way to capture my feelings and thoughts on the trips. There's a section for my family trip to Disney World/Florida, another part for my trip to Pittsburgh for work, a part for my trip to Philadelphia to visit my one best friend there and of course a part on my trip to Vegas. It's funny because it's one of those black/white marbeled composition books. I think I know where it is but I'll still have to check and see if I'm write about that or not.

Unfortunately I haven't been playing much softball this year. Just too much was going on and time ran out before I could get things together for a team. Although this fall or next spring/summer I will be back to playing just as much as before. Although it is a little nice of not having to wake up at like 8:30 on a Sunday morning after having been partying the night before. Hungover softball when it's like 80-90 and humid as can be is NOT fun. LOL I'm eventually going to use the time to work on my dad's old bike which could become mine. I want to redo the paint on it and have to finish removing the old turn signals and installing the new ones.

I've also been trying to get rid of drama in my life. There are people who just always bring about drama and I don't need that. I have enough on my own without anyone deciding to donate to the drama fund. I've also been learning how to quickly look at a situation and cause the least drama for myself. Like last weekend I basically said nothing and didn't defend myself in a situation because that was the way to get the least amount of drama. If I had defended myself things would have just been worse since the other people involved were drunk and overreacting to it all. I've learned more over the past year or so of not letting people walk all over me. I did that long enough in my life and no more. I know I've still got a lot more to learn and change, but for the most part I'm glad of who I am and the person I've become. Unfortunately I should get back to actually working. LOL