I really don't like December...

December is really becoming a month I hate and not just because it leaves me further in debt because of buying Christmas gifts for my family, but for a lot of other reasons. Too many deaths in the family for this month and too many emotional situations happen in this month. Then earlier this month we had a snow storm from hell just about and my street didn't get plowed. Fun, huh? It left me stuck right in front of my house for 2 hours trying to get my truck out. Finally I had to call a tow truck and pay to get towed to a main road so I could go to work. Another reason to dislike December. And now today I get another reason. Let's just say I'm almost kissing my tax return check completely goodbye. Well it probably is gone between city tax and my truck now. I thought my brake pads needed replaced. Ha, that would have been a blessing. Turns out a caliper (or whatever) decided to freeze up and then eat away at the rotor and so that all needed replaced and that alone is about $900 and then some secondary air thing needed fixed (not sure since my mom took the call...right now my parents are paying for it and then I'll pay them back) and that's gonna costs about $100 to $150. Now you can see another reason for me to hate December since that's about $1000 to go into my truck in just one short period and I can't afford it. I guess I'll try to kiss my boss's butt and see if I can put in some overtime.

And on top of that I am really getting tired of people's BS. It might not be so bad if they weren't so obvious about it. But I've had one person recently BS me and it's like okay do I have idiot written on my forehead or something? I mean you must think that with the lines you are feeding me. I even tried to give them an easy out to say hey this is the truth and so forth and they still wanted to BS me. It's like fine whatever. It's a shame that now I have to put up the caution with this friend and analyze all they say and wonder how much is BS and how much is truth. And what's worse is they have contradicted themselves which is how I know they are BSing me. Then their own actions showed their BS. I'm like if I'm truly your friend then why do you feel the need to BS me on this? I just don't get it. Actually I know the true reason behind it. It's one of those situations to try and save themselves for down the road but they just don't realize telling the truth would have saved themselves a lot more. I would have respected the truth more then sitting here watching them lie and catching them in it and they don't even realize it. But then again there's a lot I don't understand in life so why should I understand some of my friends and the way people are? I mean I won't even get into the whole situation because it's one of those where the more you think about it the more frustrating it is because the more BS you see and the more you realize the other person was just saying whatever popped into their head and not really thinking. Plus the more truth I realize about it all and it's just not good for the other person in it. Like I tell people....just be honest with me even if I'm not going to like the honest answer. I'll get over it in time. But if you BS me and I catch you in it (especially if you don't realize I'm catching onto your BS)...it's just going to be 10 times worse if not more because I'm going to hold it against you and you won't realize it. You won't realize that I'm watching you a lot closer to see how much you BS me. So while I might let other people slide from time to time...you won't get that slack because of it. It's a shame but some people force you to be that way. But oh well...it's time for bed. It's been a long week and still probably got 2 more 12 hour days.

Ready for the new year already...

Yep I'm ready for 2005 and 2004 to be over with. Partially because I'm not a huge fan of winter. I don't mind the snow or the cold too much. What I hate is the other people who can't drive in it and make my driving miserable because they can't drive in it. I lucked out and don't mind driving in crappy weather, but I've been on the roads when it was a mere dusting of snow on the roads and people were going almost half the normal speed limit. It was like give me a break. So today it started snowing and it's like ugh we know what that means. Plus I really haven't been in the X-mas spirit this year at all. Yesterday I ran around like crazy doing some shopping but it's so hard when you just don't feel like shopping and don't really have the desire to try and figure out what to get people. I lucked out and stumbled across some gifts but I'm not even halfway done. Thanks to having a big family. I can't even go out easy since I have 3 brothers, my parents and then there's my four nieces and nephew. Plus I'm also ready for the new year because I already miss softball. I know it hasn't even been a month since I stopped playing but dang it...I want to play again!!

Plus I'm still not sleeping well. The other day I came home and had been drinking. So normally that means I'll crash out for a while and sleep good. Not that night. I fell asleep for maybe 3 hours and was back awake and played toss and turn the rest of the night. I'd fall asleep for maybe a few hours and then wake back up and start over again. I've basically been playing nap all night long lately. Tonight I may take a sleep aid to hopefully sleep through the night and get a good 6 or 8 hours of sleep instead of sleeping 3 to 4 and then waking up. Oh well...this is gonna be short. Need to write out some bills so I can put them in the mail tomorrow. Plus I have a few Christmas cards that I need to mail out tomorrow as well.

We're going to fight...

Well hell...somehow the last post I did...did go through but it never showed as going through on my computer! {shakes head} Oh well...too late now.

Not sure if it's my computer or this website of a combination of the two...but one of them or both is going to get it from me here shortly. Twice now I've sat down and wrote out a nice entry and spent all the time writing it only to hit that save button and HA! the webpage timed out and I lost everything. See with another site I write on (one that I try to remain completely anonymous) I usually hit copy and copy what I write in case that happens then I'm safe but with this site you can't. And I'm really pissed I lost the entry earlier today because it really meant a lot to me. It really came from the heart for a lot of things. And right now I don't have the energy or desire to even attempt to re-write it. So this will have to do instead. I'm waiting around right now waiting to get a call. We're supposed to be hitting the bar but...I don't want to. I know that's odd. Me not wanting to go to the bar on a Friday night?? Stop the presses! But see the entry I had wrote before would have explained it so now you'll have to get the short version. Last night a friend's sister (and I knew her sister and would consider her sister a friend of mine or at least a new friend) had a heart attack at the age of 25/26 since today was to be her birthday. Needless to say it was really bad and she got life flighted downtown to a better hospital but it was already too late. This morning she was declared brain dead and now she's gone.

One of those hard lessons where life reminds you that it's too short sometimes and that you really do need to make the most of it. It's a reminder that you shouldn't hold back what you feel and think, even if it might not be the popular thing or might hurt someone a little bit. They deserve to know because not knowing and wondering is sometimes worse on people. I mean think about how you feel when you're stuck wondering and you got a million questions in your mind because you wonder maybe this and maybe that and you never know for sure. Yeah the final answer might not be the one you want but it's better then the million questions and the not knowing. So my point is...don't put things off. Tomorrow might not be there. I mean maybe it will be for you. But it might not be for the other people involved. And you just gotta start living and sometimes by living that doesn't mean partying and trying to live it up so to speak. Sometimes living means actually making a life and doing something with it, doing something that in the end you can say yeah I made something out of my life. So here's to hoping that this entry sticks.

Wake up call the hard way....

I always hate when life decides you need to learn something but doesn't give you the option of learning it the easy way. No, that would be the nice way. Instead you get to learn the lesson the hard way and get that nice, hard cold slap across the face that says hey life is too short to screw around and not appreciate what you have. Yeah it's nice to live it up but sometimes you gotta stop being immature and living it up and living the fantasy life and make something out of life. Sometimes you gotta become an adult and really start taking those risks that mean something. Last night I was talking to my friend John (different one then some people know about, this one I used to work with) and he was giving me a hard time about how if in six months I'm still working at my current job he's going to kick my ass because I need to get out of my job and he's right. I do need to stop putting it off and get a new job. I'm not happy so why keep staying there? Why suffer? He was talking to me a lot about that and just really trying to be an eye opener for me. And after last night I got an extra kick in the butt to get in gear and really start doing things about my life that I want instead of just partying and enjoying it.

I was leaving the bar when Tim called me. Now I had already known that one of our friends' sisters had been taken to the hospital and they thought she had a heart attack. Mind you the sister is my age and she does have some mental problems where her mental state makes her a little slower, she's more at the level of say a 12 year old then being 25. Anyway it just kept taking a turn for the worst with her. They were finding out that it appeared she had been out for a few hours before anyone found her. So when Tim called me he was going to the hospital and I asked him which one and decided to met him. I mean sure I had been drinking but I was sober enough to go. Hell I've gone to a police station to bail friends out before when I've been drinking...I think I can handle going to a hospital with some alcohol in me. Tim and I have a bad habit of being able to figure out things even when people don't say things. We can kind of put things together and figure things out and sometimes know when a situation is worse then what people are leading you on to believe. We all stayed there for about 3 hours, long enough for her to stabilize enough to be life flighted downtown to a better hospital where they could try to take better care of her but it wasn't looking very good. Even when Tim and I left we both said that something was worse then any of them were saying if they were that eager to move her to the other hospital. Life flight is a big deal because it means they wanna hurry up and get you to that better hospital as soon as possible. This morning I got up to a voicemail from Tim that a specialist was beinging brought in to see if she was brain dead because the blockage had caused blood to get into the brain and once again just not looking good. I called him back to see if any more word had come about. Later he called back to say she was gone. They were keeping her on life support long enough to transport her to the organ donor area but she was gone and to make it even worse...today we were all supposed to go out and celebrate her birthday. Just pisses me off the turns that life takes. And now it further throws things in my face that...I can't keep delaying things that I need to do and want to do. If I'm not happy with something in my life...I do need to do something about it. This just once again proved that life is too short to play around. Just remember that. Don't wait till tomorrow to do what you can do today. If you need to tell someone something...then do it no matter what you think might happen. Just don't wait.