Hangovers really really suck!

Hangovers...will I ever learn my lesson? I doubt it. LOL Last night I ended up going to Scalpers even though I swore I wouldn't. Gracie and Cris were kind of guilting me a bit into going there so I caved and went. I did have a great time thanks to them but I'm suffering today from it. I drank way too much. And I did some things that now looking back I'm like OMG I can't believe I did that! I won't even post about some of the stuff I did because it's a little embarassing but oh well. I don't know what happened but at some point me and Cris ended up hitting heads. Well it was more like the back of my head and his face. Let's just say I've got a sore spot on my head so I know he's gotta be feeling it today.

Gracie and I are insane. LOL After I got to the bar and hit the potty...I ended up picking her up over my shoulder and carrying her back to the bar. Then there were times we were dancing and she'd basically wrap her arms around my neck and I'd pick her up as she wrapped her legs around me. Yeah I'm sure people were like what the hell?? But it's good times. About the only bad part of the night was when for some reason Sully pissed me off. I don't even know why I was pissed. There are just times that he irks me. I don't know if it's because at times I'm in a goofy mood and playing around with everyone and he gets that serious pissed look on his face which pisses me off or what it is. So I had taken his hat and Kim was like I need Sully's hat...we're leaving. To which I was like no and Sully gave me that pissy I'm not playing look. Which kind of started things. I ran into the bathroom and he tried to come in. He was like I asked nicely for it and I was like no you didn't. So I was just like whatever...f you and goodbye. I don't really get it but damn sometimes he pisses me off and it's not like he really does anything.

But I had a blast with everyone else. I don't really remember what happened and what brought it on but I remember me and Cris having like a serious talk. I got a bit emotional during it. Couldn't help it cause sometimes people just bring a lot of happiness in your life and it's hard not to be overcome at times. I can't explain it. Me, Gracie and Cris just get along so well and joke with each other and we've just really connected.

And by the way I haven't learned my lesson to stay away from text messages and computers when I'm drunk. I sent some messages last night and it's like ohh why did you do that! So now I'm back pedaling and doing the whole...ohh that wasn't meant for you. I accidentally sent that to you in error and it was meant for this other friend of mine. Yeah we'll see if it works or not.

Ohh I might have come up with my own drink! Tomorrow I'm going to test it out and if it goes well I'll post in here what it is and I'll even give it a name since it'll be mine damn it! LOL I'm such a lush. I mean creating drinks and stuff. Too funny! Oh well I need to wrap this up and figure out what I'm wearing since I'm meeting some people at the bar and also figure out if I'm going to shower before or what.

Back to behaving I go or attempt to....

Well to make a long story short...my one "friends with benefits" deal came to an end recently. He basically decided to give an ex a 2nd chance and yeah I'm left with nothing. There's more to it then just him giving her a 2nd chance but I can't really get into all of it, nor do I want to. He feels it's the right thing to do and I hope it works out for him. Do I think it will? Well let's just say I'm a firm believer of actions speaking louder then words. I know just from personal experience that saying you've changed doesn't usually mean a damn thing. Proving you've changed is what matters more and shows more to me. So yes I'm completely back in the single world and back to trying to control those urges of needing the sexual aspect of a relationship. Yep it blows big time. I hate it. And considering my luck with men...it just gives me more reason to hate being single. *sigh* I know eventually my time will come to be lucky and find that one man but the waiting is what kills me. The waiting is what drives me insane and makes me lose hope in romance and love. I guess it doesn't help when I look at my parents and see two people who have been married for almost 36 years and are soo happy and in love with each other. It doesn't help that I know by the age of 26 (which I'm approaching)...my mother was the mother of 3 children with a 4th on the way. By comparasion my life seems so empty. I know I shouldn't compare because different times and different people but it's hard. So many of my friends are married or have a child or someone to love in their lives. Besides friends and family...I've got no one. And as the saying goes...I'm not getting any younger.

I could ramble on but I don't want to depress myself or anyone else that might stumble upon this and read it. I just needed to vent a bit. I mean when your life seems like one big circle from time to time you just need to scream and vent about it. Of course it never helps when you know you have so much to offer a guy and you seem nice guys (or the ones you'd consider nice and good) getting screwed over by bitches and burned by them. So yep back to the single life I go and back to trying to control myself and not pounce on a hot guy simply because he'll put out. LOL I swear sometimes that I'm a female with a man's sexual drive trapped inside of me. Plus I'm not happy today because I wanted to listen to my one Linkin Park CD and what do I do? I pick it up and end up leaving it at home! Damn me!!! I'm in a mood where I need to listen to it. Oh well I'll have to wait till I get home.

Hopeless romantic....

That I am to some extent. Yep I'm a hopeless romantic deep down to an extent. I mean don't get me wrong. I want a sweet guy who is going to do things that make me just go awww isn't he so sweet, but I don't want it all the time. I want those special times to really mean something and not be a run of the mill thing. I want a guy who has a wild bad side to him and at times is a smartass punk that makes me want to smack him but makes me love him even more because he'll be making me laugh with his smartass ways and challenging me to keep up with him. But at the same time I want that guy who at times is just going to sweep me off my feet by doing sweet things for me and making me remember that romance is still alive and strong. Those things that are going to make me love him even more especially when I think I can't possibly love him anymore then I already do. I want that in my life. I want that type of guy who will appreciate it and be in awe if I do something sweet and special for him. I want him to fall more in love with me for those things just like I would do when he did those things for me.

But I don't have those in my life. I've got the fun filled single life or that's what it's supposed to be. At times it is, but at times it's not. At times I hate it because I don't have that special someone in my life. I hate it because I'm stuck playing the guessing games and the mind games that come with trying to find someone to be with. Which sucks because at times my lack of self confidence and self esteem kicks in and I become the paranoid freak who fears things are taking a turn for the worst and that once again life is going to screw me over. In fact I'm currently battling that with one situation I'm in but I'm trying to remain a little positive, but who knows. Of course being single doesn't help how I feel. Add on the fact that every single person in my family found someone and was married by my age doesn't help either. And here I am single with not even a potential love in my life. It sucks. My heart aches for what I don't have and all I can do is try and not let that get to me. Try to be patient which is not easy. I know life was different back then but it blows me away to think that by the age of 26 my mother was married and pregnant with her 4th child (me) and chances are by that same age I'll still be single.

Yes I know when the time is right I'll find that special someone for my life. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself and keep believing. Hopefully one day it'll prove to be true. I'll just keep listening to love songs and watching love stories in movies and waiting for the day when those things make me think of that special man in my life. I just hope that day comes sooner rather then later because the wait is really starting to suck.

Soo anyway although I know only a few people read this...I figured I'd open the floor. Go ahead and ask me anything you want to know and I'll answer it. If you want me to write about something in particular let me know and I'll see what I can do. So have at it and have fun with it. Ask as many things as you want...there's no limit.

Settle for this...

Yes you have to settle for just a survey on this entry. I didn't feel like whining or venting in this entry and plus this helped me waste time at work so ha!

1. Your name spelled backwards: Assilem or yssiM

2. Where were your parents born? My mom was porn in PA and my dad was born in Glasgow, Scotland

3. What is the last thing you downloaded or are downloading onto your computer? It was the booty song that Elle kept talking about

4. What's your favorite restaurant? hmm I guess Paninis if that counts...lol

5. Last time you swam in a pool? Wow been a long time! I think 2 summers ago...wow

6. Have you ever been in a school play? Actually in 4th grade I was in a bunch. I think in one I was some type of evil elf along with like 3 other people and then another one I was a lion in the whackadoo zoo I think it was. Haha got pictures of that...wow

7. How many kids do you want? I'd love to have at least 2...a girl and a boy

8. Type of music you dislike most? I like almost all types of music but I guess the type I dislike most would probably be opera

9. Are you registered to vote? Yeah, registered strictly to vote for a school levy my senior year....which failed

10. Do you have a car? no...got a SUV

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? nope I haven't...want to though

12. Ever prank call anybody? I think I did once

13. Ever get a parking ticket? thankfully no

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? I'd try both

16. Do you have a garden? if you count my couple of rose bushes in the front then yeah

17. What's the size of your bed? full

18. Do you really know the words to your national anthem? yeah I do...well American. No clue on the German national anthem

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? either one...if I get time to chill and relax...whirlpool bath...if not shower and doesn't matter what time of day

20. Best Movie You've seen in the Last 4 months? Best...hmm probably Crash

21. What's the next movie you want to see? Saw 2

22. Chips or popcorn? either but mostly chips

23. Have you ever broken any hearts? I'm sure I have

24. Premarital sex? yeah not against trying out the goods first...lol

25. Are you a good cook? I'm pretty good but I'm a better baker

26. Orange or Apple juice? orange juice

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you go to? my parents and it was just to the one mall food court

28. Favorite type of drink? got a few but mostly water, although I do like red bull too. Alcoholic drink would be vodka and red bull

29. Best thing in the world? being in love

30. Have you ever broken a bone? nope *knocks on wood*

31. Have you ever won a trophy? won a lot in bowling and a few for softball and one for band even...haha MVP of the band baby! Don't ask me...I just accepted the trophy and went with it

32. What is your favorite board game? um candyland? no clue really

33. What is your dream car? Mustang or an old Chevy Nova or a lot of old muscle cars

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? nope

35. Coke or Pepsi? Coke

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? yeah kind of...one place we had shirts but you could wear jeans or dress pants...either one as long as they were black

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? a refill of my prescription for my depression meds

38. Who are you going to marry? whoever I fall in love with and can see spending the rest of my life with...

39. Who would you like to meet? I would love to meet Dean Koontz since I love his books that he writes. Wouldn't also mind meeting

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? In the sense that you can love the way someone looks...yes, but just seeing someone you don't know their personality or any of those other little things that you love about a person.

41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex? In terms of appearance...love a great smile as well as eyes that you can just get lost in and as odd as it may be...I do find a little bit of a beer gut attractive. Don't get me wrong 6-packs are nice...but damn a little beer gut is sexy to me! I also find it attractive when a guy can be sensitive and romantic but at other times is tough and almost a hardass

42. Where would you go for a romantic evening? Probably for like a picnic dinner and then maybe some place to watch the sunset on the beach and maybe even end up laying out under the stars

43. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I honestly have no clue

45. Any pets? Two very insane dogs! One is part Rottweiler and I think part Sheltie and the other is a miniature pinscher (although I believe she's part Tazmanian Devil when you piss her off)

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? pretty much any of Chris Farley's...the man was funny as hell

47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do? I would like to learn how to play all the various types of guitar, eh I don't know I couldn't think of anything else

48. What do you do when you are bored? play around online, listen to music, watch TV...the usual boring stuff

49. What is one thing you would want someone to appreciate about you? Well those things people already appreciate or at least I think they do and that's just that I like people to appreciate that I'm one of those friends that is always there for them and will go above and beyond to be there for them and help them

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? I'm grateful for my life and my family and the friends in my life

Just can't stop

I know I'm such a blogging machine this week. It's one of those weeks for me. I just have too much swimming around in my head not to vent it out. And last night I stumbled back upon the fact that I know I don't like being single. Deep down I still ache to find that person that will complete my life...that person that is just going to make me feel on top of the world and is going to show me each day just how much I can love someone. No matter how many times I try to tell myself I'm happy being single and that it's not bad, it never works. Deep down I know what I really want and not having it just sucks some times. Most of the time I can tolerate it at best, but once in a while it's just too much. Once in a while I look at those that have it and I'm jealous of what they have. I'm jealous they get to sit back and try to make it work and wonder if that person is the one for them.

So once again I'm back to a point where I have to try to brainwash myself into being happy with the single life and to not try to look for someone. Granted I haven't been going over the top looking but I know I still have been slightly looking. Lately life hasn't brought me much luck so it's time to just step back from it all and just hope something comes along when I don't expect it. I'm just tired of it. Tired of feeling like the only one that life wants to screw over. I know that's not true by any means but you know how it is. You get into that funk and you feel like it's only happening to you.

And even right now I know what I want to write and I know what I want to vent about but...I don't want to. Part of me just doesn't want to fall into that self pity and let it out. I don't know if that makes any sense but to me it does. It's almost like if I put it all into words and really get into it the way I'm feeling inside right now...it'll just give me more reason to stick to it and fall into it. I just don't want to have to wait anymore and be the patient one. I mean afterall good things come to those who wait or so I've been told. I want it to be my time already. I want to be the one that other people look at and envy for what I have. I'm just tired of the ones I want not wanting me and the ones I don't want...well those are the ones that want me. My family always wonders why I don't have a man in my life and stuff. Um maybe it's because I'm trying not to settle just for anyone. Maybe it's because so far things haven't matched up in life. The connection between me and guys hasn't been right. I guess for now I'll just have to keep being patient and believe that eventually my time will come.

Ohhh bad drunken messages!!!

Ya know I really need to avoid the computer when I'm drunk. Sure I might write some funny blog entries when I'm drunk but damn I also end up doing the drunken emails and instant messages too. LMAO!!! Before I go on I'll post this little Dear Alcohol letter. I don't know who wrote it or where it started but it's funny as hell and soo true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-s when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With that said back to the entry at hand....#1 could also turn into emails and instant messages. At least with emails you have the sent copy so you can see what stupid things you admitted to. But with phone calls and instant messages if you don't remember...you're screwed!! Now I knew I had done a drunken email this past Saturday but didn't know there was a drunken instant message in there too. Damn me! In it I told the person I had something to ask them but didn't have the balls to ask them. Just a little bit ago they were like what? So of course I was like what's the what for? And they were like go ahead and ask me. While I sat there scratching my head going what the hell!

I'm not 100% sure I remember what I wanted to ask them. I think I remember what it was but it's honestly not something I want to ask. LOL At least not sober that is. So now I either back pedal and say I'm too much of a chicken sh*t to ask or I ask them and see what happens. Hence another reason I hate alcohol...brings out that courage you usually lack when sober. Plus it sometimes makes me run my mouth when I should shut the hell up. LOL Now I really need to kick my own ass because I'm pretty sure now what I wanted to ask and it's not something I wanted to ask anymore. Damn me! I guess eventually I'll update on how it went. But it's one of two things that I possibly could have wanted to ask. Hmm which one might be the best option if any.

Smack me with a bat and call me dirty.....

So yeah it was an interesting weekend. Friday hit the haunted houses in Berea with Cris, Gracie and Brian. They were pretty good. I jumped a few times which is always a good thing. LOL Although damn them for making me go first in the one house. The lady checking the tickets made us go in height order from shortest to tallest and that was me by about an inch! Pitch black houses are bad enough for finding your way but eventually your eyes adjust and you can make the most of any little bit of light in there. Well I would have loved that over the one I got to go first for. Most of the walls were fence but then you got to add in a ton of fog/smoke with lights in some spots which made the smoke and fence kind of screw with your eyes. Especially the times when it was more of a strobe light. All of us needed a break for our eyes after that house. This one guy jumped out and of course cause me to scream like a bitch. He went further up and you would think that would have put me on guard but oh nooo!! Yeah he got me again and almost fell on the ground laughing. Punk! Then afterwards we hit a bar near there...did some bowling and Golden Tee. I won at Golden Tee and managed to sink a 96 foot putt! Go me!! Bowling I kicked ass 2 times and lost once...go me with a 201! FNF!!

Saturday hit Scalpers with the group. Wasn't too bad after a bit even if Scalpers is starting to get a little old but oh well. I had fun BSing with everyone. Ohhh almost forgot a part of that day which is important to the title of this entry! My dad took my truck to use it. And the night before I had been listening to this one CD and figured okay turn it back to radio and no biggie. It was a burned CD from a friend and let's just say it's one of those CDs you don't want your parents knowing you listen to. LOL Needless to say when I woke up and saw the CD sitting on the counter I was a little like eek!! It's actually two CDs burned onto the one and here are the titles for them....Greatest Tits and Dr.Dirty's Sphincter Unplugged. So um yeah now you can see my point a bit more. Hopefully he didn't listen to any of it because um songs about gang bangs and having a slippery slobbery twat aren't songs you want to have your parents hear. LMAO!! Both are John Valby CD's aka Dr.Dirty and um yeah they are crude but funny as hell.

Then Sunday I was up for softball. Went to roll over to go back to sleep and my alarm went off...damn the world to hell!! We lost both games. I went 2 for 4 which wasn't bad. Almost got killed playing catcher. Damn foul balls being hit back. I just kept playing duck and cover. But what was worse was this one girl! First time she got on base and the ump warned her manager that if she threw the bat again she'd be called out. Let's just say that at-bat I caught the bat in my hand. I was like woah! Next at-bat...bat off the shin...thankfully it wasn't that hard. 3rd at-bat we had bases loaded and thankfully I didn't move an inch to the left or I would have taken another bat off the body. It delayed me covering my base a bit. 4th at-bat...ahh bat off the top of the foot as I went to stand up. 5th at-bat...once again if I had moved an inch to the left I would have taken the bat off the elbow or somewhere else. How she didn't get called out on that one and the one before I'm not sure of. 6th at-bat she foulded one off and I almost got hit with that bat. Then thankfully she struck out on that at-bat so I didn't have to worry about the bat. I was not a happy camper considering we don't wear any gear in adult leagues so that easily could have been a bat to the head or face. Yet another reason I hate playing catcher. It's bad enough having to worry about foul balls and people sliding into you if there's a play at home but to have to worry about flying bats is another one! I pretty much did nothing after that because I was just soo worn out.

Call me what you want.....

I don't know why I felt the need to blog this but I guess it's because some other stuff in life....well I don't want to think about it right now. It frustrates me and is driving me a little bit crazy! And thinking about it more is just not good right now soo onto the whole point of this!

I've realized over the years and the course of my life I have taken on a lot of nicknames! I mean not even just based off of my real name. Like both of my parents have nicknames for me. My mom's is based off my own name. My mom and one friend Teresa both call me Lissa. Then my dad at times calls me Lil One which I guess came from being his little girl and only girl. Then you got the standard Missy which for most of my life only family and close friends of the family called me that. Then I started working at Progressive and this other lady named Melissa was like you will be known as Missy...so I had no choice! I got used to everyone calling me Missy. My friend Teresa...one time her little brother who was about 7 or so at the time called me Melissy or something like that. It was soo funny and cute at the same time. And then there's another nickname from my real name but I swear if you call me it I will be pissed! There's really only been maybe 2 or 3 people I let get away with it. And that's Mel. An ex used to call me it and then I think 2 other friends would call me it from time to time but honestly don't even think it would be funny to call me it.

Now onto the non-name ones. One friend in Belgium used to call me Baby Girl. And then...okay don't laugh too much when I tell this story. In Belgium I was also called Corny for a while and then Curly Corn. See our school softball uniforms were yellow...yes bright ass yellow! One year mine got faded (thrown in the wash and didn't realize it was hot water)....and everyone started calling me Corny because of it. Of course all the other corn names came too...Cornball, Cornflake, Cornmuffin and it's all funny when it's being yelled out by the outfielder and you're the pitcher! LOL Then the next year me and 2 friends were like the 3 Stooges so we each took a stooge name...hence Curly Corn. Then another friend for some reason would call me Moe. I'm not even sure where that came about or why Chris called me it. Just one day it started and he would always call me it. I think that was about it for my nicknames in Belgium.

I've got a friend who calls me Dimplez because of duh my dimples which I hate when people notice! People are always like oh my goodness you've got dimples, such cute dimples. My thought...bite me! Then I got called Doc by another friend because I'm that person that is always there for my friends to talk to and get advice and help them through problems.

And now thanks to picking just a simple log-in name for a website I've got the nickname Freak. LOL I soo love that one! It's too funny when someone yells it out in a bar or outside or anywhere really. Which just that one name alone has spurred many others like Freakerina (damn you for that one Trey) and Freaky Deaky....Freakaleak....Freaky....Freaknasty and I think that's it for now or all the ones I can think of.

Ohhh how could I forget my other nickname!! Super Bitch! Okay a friend had a house party. I was drinking my fave vodka and red bull. For some reason we were taking some picture with like fake tiaras on. Yeah I forgot mine was on after a while. And then later my friend brought out this vampire cap and somehow I ended up putting it on. Remember we still have the tiara on and yeah I ran around like that and earned the nickname Super Bitch. It's basically my playful, hyper side. That should sum up all of my weird and crazy ass nicknames...at least for now.

Let's go back to the weekend please....

Yeah it's Monday and the day is young and my boss is already pissing me off. "From now on if you get a call or email regarding these types of situations pass them onto the such and such group since I don't want you handling that anymore. I want you to concentrate on your new job task." Fine so I do that with one I had gotten when I was off. Then what happens? I get a response email from her basically bitching and telling me the same thing. I had to nicely say um dumbass this is a different situation and I was doing what you told me to so shut the hell up! That's what I wanted to say but I just worded it a bit differently so I can keep my job. LOL

Friday wasn't a bad night. We ended up at Scalpers and stayed there till pretty much people went home for the most part. It's always strange to be dancing in a place that looks like a basement in serious need of repairwork. I wasn't feeling the night for a little bit. I was just in an off mood for some reason but after a bit either the alcohol kicked in or I just started to feel better. It wasn't too bad of a time. Elle, Gracie and I were being crazy asses as usual and mocking this guy. Lord he could not dance to save his soul! I mean I know there's that crazy thing about white guys can't dance but...wow he totally was that stereotype! Unfortunately I slept like crap that night for some unknown reason.

Saturday was kind of a laid back day for the most part. Well actually it was partially spent relaying information to everyone on what time I was heading to the bar and what time they were going. Or was I picking this person up or not. Then I realized I had to get gas so I had to stop on my way to pick my one friend up. He harassed me cause I was late and I was like hey I didn't think you were going to push my truck anywhere so I had to. So Battery (it's his nickname) and I got to the bar and Danielle was there and yeah pretty much the craziness of the night started. Eventually Kimberly, Elle, Trey and Brian showed up. Then some friends of Battery and Brian showed up. Gotta love guys you meet for the first time and right away they go you want a drink? Sure! Had at least 2 free drinks that way. Between how much I drank and how strong they were I was pretty much buzzing big time by the time the band started. We went to see this Metallica tribute band play. They rocked. I had such a great time just being...well insane. I was about the only girl rocking out to them and dancing up near the stage. Of course I was also being a huge flirt to some of the guys. Oopsie! Actually mostly just the one guy in particular who was a friend of Battery's. Funny but earlier he had me get him a drink and I did and gave him his change back. He took $5 and put it down my shirt so I could get myself a drink later. So I actually got 3 free drinks. That I remember. I won't go into all the details of what all I did that night because um well...yeah some was a little bad. LOL Then had a few guys going on about my boobs/cleavage. One guy was wondering how I was single with boobs like that. LOL

And now I'm thinking back on the night and at one point I went outside and I have no clue why! I'll have to ask Danielle about that she might remember why. So the door guy had to put an X on my hand (we had gotten there before the cover charge). Danielle was laughing about it or something so I was like put a big one on her hand. LOL He drew an X that basically went across her entire hand. She thanked me for that the next day. Hehehe But hey I couldn't help it. The guy was hot so I was flirting. Tried to get him to draw a smiley face on my boob but he was afraid his boss would see and that he'd get in trouble. So he drew one on my other hand instead. Then I got Elle to draw one on the boob. LOL The one he drew was actually a pretty cute smiley. But it was a good night. Had a shot with Trey for his birthday and bought him a drink. Or maybe 2. Damn too much happened for me to remember it all.

Then Sunday I woke up after about 4 hours of sleep to go play softball in the nice cold. See if you live up here and thought it was cold...just take that and go ohh say right next to the lake and it was worse. That's where our fields are. Plus they were complete mud. Well not badly but a few puddles here and there. I got stuck playing catcher and my cleats were just solid mud almost. Almost lost my shoes a few times too because it started to become the sticky mud. But we won both games so it's all good. And yeah that was my weekend. Woo hoo...go me!

Admitting a secret....

Granted if I wasn't drunk right now and emotional...I probably wouldn't be admitting to this but oh well. There's only 2 people currently in my immediate life that will read this and if they know...I can handle that. See this ties into my depression and how I deal with that. See some people cut to feel better...to release the pain they feel inside. It's their release from the emotional pain because pyshical pain isn't as bad as emotional. I don't cut...but I do hit. By that I mean when I get really emotional and inside I am hurting too much to deal with it...chances are I'll hit something. I've hit everything from walls in a bathroom stall to my computer desk to the window of my truck. The knuckles on my right hand have been so bruised some times from my hitting but feeling the pain in my head takes my mind off the pain I feel inside my heart and soul. Yes I know it's stupid but it's something that gets me through the rough times in life.

Why am I admitting to all of this? Knowing that some people may read this and look down on me? Well tonight has been a bad night for me. I don't even know if I want to write about the situation but basically tonight someone proved that I don't mean shit to them. That's fine if they had gotten the balls together to tell me in a straight way but instead they went the roundabout way. Which bothered me so much. I ended up hitting my desk twice and yes right now 2 of my knuckles are really red. I'm not proud of what I do by any means. I wish I didn't do it...but sometimes I can't control it. It just happens. Like tonight. I guess part of me doesn't want to hide stuff anymore. I want people to know me for my strengthes and weaknesses. It's who I am.

So yeah that's one of my dark secrets....I hit things when I am hurting soo much inside that I can't deal with the pain. I hit something to take my mind off that inner pain. It's not a good thing, but it's something I am working on dealing with.

Not sure what to think....

Okay so I was having a conversation with this guy last night and a slightly interesting point came up. See I'll explain. This guy I've been involved with in terms of a friends with benefit deal. We've been open with each other about the whole situation and know it's a no strings attached situation. It works out well because you get that fun without having to try to make a relationship work out. Anyway back to the point. Last night we were chatting and he said something about how he has his eye on a few girls but is waiting for the right time. Which that sucks but oh well he is free to try and get involved with people in a serious light just as I am. In response to that I was like well you better do something before it's too late. He joked and was like nah I'm the man. I was like I mean in case they end up getting involved with someone else. He was like true and then was like do you have a boyfriend? I told him no and he was like why not. So I went on to tell him the why not's. But afterwards it left me wondering...

I mean it's just a little odd that he goes from talking about having his eye on people and I say you better do something before they have a boyfriend and then he asks if I have one. Now it could mean nothing at all. It might have just been random conversation that kind of was ironic with the timing of things said. But it's like could it also be like he was just giving me the heads up that things between us might end? Or maybe he was trying to see if I'd be willing to be the girl on the side or something like that? Or maybe he was even trying to see what my reaction was to see if I'm interested in being more serious with him. I don't know and honestly I'm trying not to really think about it. But at the same time I'm trying to prep myself for any possibilities because I don't want to be caught off guard. You know what I mean?

Oh well things are just gonna have to keep rolling and I'll deal with things as they come up. Although I have to admit it kind of makes me take a step back and go would I ever want to be in a serious relationship with him?? Not sure if I would or not. I do know one guy I would love to be able to give it a serious shot with...but he doesn't live anywhere close to me so that's not even a possible option in my life. Which sucks but oh well nothing I can do about that.

Yeah I whooped some ass!!!

This will be slightly short since I don't have a lot to write about. Plus I'm tried and can barely keep my eyes open which is always the best way to be at work on a Monday. *rolls eyes* But I feel like wasting some time today and this is a good way to get it done. I'm just in rough shape today. Saturday I had to go out to my grandparent's house and help my parents move a bunch of wood (plywood mostly but some 2X4's as well). Let's just say their trunk was completely filled and that was with putting their backseat down in their car. Then we folded the seats down in my Blazer and loaded it up. I loaded my truck pretty much myself which plywood is heavy or whatever wood it was. Then I got to help unload the wood later. So my arms and back are sore from that. Plus twice I had to lift my 4 wheeler's back end up so we could push the bricks off that it was on. Mind you lifting a 4 wheeler is not an easy thing to do especially as high as I lifted it. It was at least a foot or so off the bricks that it was on. Stupid but eh it had to be done.

My ass is sore a bit from a house party on Saturday in which my ass was smacked too many times to count. LOL And now my thighs are sore from playing catcher yesterday in both of my softball games. BUT I whooped some ass in those games! I went 4 for 6 plus I walked once, scored a run and drove in 5 runs which is awesome. I only had one bad hit really. The other hit wasn't bad except for it was straight at the pitcher. LOL Anywhere else and it probably would have been a base hit line drive. I was very happy with my hitting especially since last week I did so crappy. But this time I just relaxed and had fun with it. We ended up winning both games and I think I definitely redeemed myself yesterday with the way I hit and played. Now I can't wait till this weekend. Plus I'm going to get in some practice this week so I can hopefully have a repeat performance.

Good but rough night....

Yep that sums up last night. I had a blast hanging out with Gracie, Cris and their friends but in the end it was still a slightly rough night for me. The alcohol lowered my guard and in the end I couldn't help it. See we all ended up going to this bar called Backstreet. It was my 2nd time at the bar. The last time I was there was almost exactly 2 years ago which is a little freaky. My one friend and I had a makeup softball game on a Sunday and afterwards we were hitting Backstreet because at the time my friend Kim was dating this guy named Jason. So Kim, Crystal and I hit the bar. Jason's friends were doing this name that tune game which was pretty cool. We went, we partied and this one guy caught my eye. I won't babble too much about that whole night and went happened. If ya wanna know...contact me and I'll tell ya. I ended up going up to him and talking to him thanks to Kim and we just kind of hit it off. All of us ended up going to Jason's house to watch a movie and just hang out along with 2 other friends of Jason's. Crystal had left before all of this. Long story short everyone else left and Troy (that was the guy I met) and I ended up just laying next to each other talking all night. Well until Kim finally woke up and decided we had to go to work. LOL I was already late so I didn't care either way.

We left and I never thought I'd hear from him again. 2 days later Kim called my house and was like okay I just talked to Jason and he had talked to Troy and Troy wants to see you again. Off I went to pick up Kim and then met them. We all ended up hitting a bar and almost the same situation happened with us just talking all night. I felt so comfortable around him right away which was rare for me. There was no awkward silence or anything like that. I couldn't help but smile so much thinking of him. We were kind of involved with each other in some sort of way for a while and then things changed. Which yeah I don't want to write about in here either because let's just say it didn't go the way I wanted.

Soo onto last night...that was my first time being back in that bar since he walked into my life. Of course my mind flashed back to that night and all the time I spent around him. I remembered that night and how it played out. It hurt. The only good thing was I knew his life is going so well for him in a lot of ways and because he is such a great person I'm happy to know that. I wouldn't wish any bad on him despite all that went down.

I ended up coming home and sending him a drunken email. I needed to apologize to him because when he moved away I did some things that I knew were wrong. See I was hurting from our situation and I couldn't deal with him being in my life or not being in my life. I figured the best thing for me would be to make him get to a point where he cut off ties with me. This way if I slipped up and tried to call or email...he'd ignore me and it would be easier to move on. It was stupid of me, but at the time I thought it was right. I do miss him and to some extent I still do love him because I hadn't felt like that about any other guy. I'm sure in time I will...but it still meant something to me with him having come into my life. So that was my night...good and bad, but something that needed to happen I guess.