Ohhh yeah hug me baby!

So um yeah apparently I give good hugs or that's what I've been told by someone. They told me I give warm hugs I believe it was and that they almost fell asleep in my arms when I was hugging them. I guess I can understand that because some people are just fun to hug. Like there's one friend of mine I swear everytime we hug it's at least a 30 second hug whereas with other people it might be a quick 10 second hug if that. Of course this person who loved my hugs also went on to say that I was just soo cute and that I'm adorable. Which I'll take because a lot of the times people who are "hot" are either complete bitches or cocky assholes. Cute people are fun so that works for me. LOL But then he also told me 2 other things which brings me to 2 rants I want to make or stuff I want to write about. He said I was just so cool to hang out with. So we'll go with that rant/rave/whatever first.

I still don't get it when people say that to me or I hear people tell other people that about me. I have a friend named Deanna and even before I met some people she was telling them how I was one of the coolest people she knew and stuff. And over the past year or so other people have said how cool I am and stuff like that. I guess I just don't see it because I'm so used to being the little wallflower that no one notices or even cares is there or not there. I'm not used to being one of the "cool" "popular" kids so to speak. It's just a weird change for me. I guess I'm just not used to impacting people's lives by being someone cool they know or anything like that. I mean to me I'm just me. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm a variety and by that I mean I listen to all types of music, I have all types of things that I enjoy doing and that's kind of how I am. I get along with all types of people. So I guess that's why to some people I'm "f*cking cool as hell". LOL I don't argue with it even though part of me wants to...I just go with it. But I still don't get it. I think it's honestly partially because I know how to have a good time and it spreads to other people. I've had groups of friends before that hated it when I wasn't in a good mood because it effected the whole night. It was like no one else could really have fun because I wasn't leading the charge so to speak.

And the other rant...why is it that the guys who are into you are always the ones you'd rather just be friends with and hang out with?? Those seem to be the ones that easily want to get to know you and be around you and see where things can go with you. And you look at them and just think nah I'd rather we just hang out and that's it. And I hate when it's like that because then if you're a nice person which I am...you kind of have to tread lightly around those people because you don't want to hurt them or give them the wrong signals and have them thinking there is more between you 2 then there is. Oh well I guess I'll get through it since I've dealt with a best friend having a crush on me and we're still friends. Speaking of which I really need to figure out my birthday. I'll probably do stuff the weekend before and after since I know how my friends are and I'll need to do something with each group. So since my one best friend is going to come into town I'll plan something with friends I've known for years and then the weekend after plan something with my more insane friends. Hi ya Elle. Hi ya Melissa. Haha =o) Oh well back to work I go.

Weekend is almost over...yeah in some ways!

Today was softball day and I sucked all around! My hitting sucked! My fielding sucked! It was just not a good day. Usually if I'm off with hitting my fielding is on. Or if my fielding is off my hitting kicks ass but not today. To make it even worse a friend of mine played on the team as well so it was the first time he's seen me play at all. I'm sure next time I talk to him he's going to harass the living hell out of me. Plus it didn't help that I screwed up driving and went the wrong way twice...lol so he kind of kept shaking his head at me for that. Plus it was funny cause at one time I was up to bat and he said something to me like come on and called me by my nickname. Well this little kid who was someone's kid on the other team (maybe 4 or 5)...was like yeah come on such and such! I busted up laughing. Some people who know me might wonder who the other person was and ha you'll have to ask to find out just because I feel like making ya. =o) So as you can see today for part of it was just a bad day for me. Ugh! This week I'll definitely be doing some batting practice and even some fielding practice because that was just horrible today.

And yikes I soo have not done my "homework" yet for my next therapy session. It's partially because I really haven't had any situations pop up that fit into it. I mean I can think of some from the past so I might write those out and hopefully that'll be good enough. It's basically like you write out a situation (action) and then the thoughts you had about it. Then you kind of go about what emotions it made you feel and then you think about what evidence there was to support how you felt. Then you turn around and try to make a rational statement since usually your first statement wasn't rational. Say like you pass a friend and normally anytime you see them they say hi. Well this time they don't say hi or anything and you might instantly be like damn what the hell is their problem? Or why are they being so rude? Or stuff like that which for the most part isn't rational because hey maybe they didn't see you or they are having a bad day or are just busy and can't talk. That's where you turn it into the rational by going oh so and so didn't say hi to me but they just might be busy. This way you don't turn around and get mad or upset with them. You kind of give that benefit of a doubt.

Which it also works for depression bouts because this way you aren't further beating yourself into that depression by thinking stuff like I shouldn't feel this way or I'm never going to feel happy. You turn those thoughts into it's okay I feel like this because I won't always feel this way or eventually I'll feel better. It helps and it really does make you feel better. I'm kind of shocked that it's like that. Unfortunately there's not a whole lot to report.

Friday did the bar crawl with a bunch of people. The first bar sucked because it was just so low key and quiet and not us. The next was like almost a metal bar that looked more like someone's basement. Me and Elle got our ass whooped in foosball! That's the devil! But it's always scary if a bar is serving PBR!! I mean what the hell???? Then we went to this bar called Iggys which wasn't too bad despite being hot as hell. And now sadly I am going to put this in writing for all to read...yes Elle WHOOPED my ass in air hockey! I'm usually not bad at air hockey and I'm sure being a bit buzzed didn't help but still she whooped my ass big time! But that's okay cause she whooped Adrian's ass too. So I don't feel as bad. I got pretty buzzed at that bar since I had like 3 strong Absolut and red bulls there plus a shot. From there it was into the cars and over to another bar. Had a huge Absolut and Red bull in a cup that is usually just for beers. Elle and I decided some leis there were too nice to leave so yeah Bitch got me down one. LOL Mine's hanging up on the corner of a picture right now. Then we hit another bar where I almost smacked this chick and this dude. The dude because he was a rude ass and came up to Elle only to look at her tits, smile and then get pissed at her when she wasn't happy with him staring at her tits. So yeah I glared at him a bit. LOL Then 3 of us were in line for the bathroom and these 3 sluts come up and are like we're next in line. We were like uh no. "Well my boyfriend runs this bar and I'll have you guys thrown out". I looked at her and was like go right ahead. So she ran off to get her boyfriend. He came back and funny but I didn't see her again. LOL!! He like threw his arm around me and was like I just want everyone to have a good time and get along. I was like dude honestly I don't care if you did throw me out I'll just hit another bar. He was like nah I just want everyone to have a good time. LOL Bet it pissed her off when she saw that.

Then from there we hit Paninis and basically headed home after that. I got home and finally crashed about 4, then about 5 my phone woke me up. Then I was stuck wide awake about 9:30 which sucked ass! Saturday went to a friend's birthday party and had a lot of fun with the bonfire. Kept throwing the wood on there and watching the fire. Haha pyro freak in me came out I guess. Then today was softball and yeah that was pretty much my weekend.

Tired..sleepy...exhausted....

**looks at the title** Yep that describes me pretty well today. The 2nd session went well. Kind of mostly was about trying not to put pressure on myself with the way I think and not to bring myself further down with my thinking. It really made sense the stuff she said because I totally do that. It's kind of like if you get depressed it's not a good thing to beat yourself up over it and think I should not be feeling this way or I'm always going to feel this like because it just brings you further down. Whereas if you stop and think okay yes I'm feeling this way but I'm going to get over this and feel better it'll actually help to make you feel a little better. Now I just need to start working on that a bit more. It also applies to other situations like if someone doesn't talk to you and you might first think they might be mad at you or are being rude. Instead you kind of get yourself to think well maybe they are having a bad day or maybe I'll talk to them later to make sure nothing is wrong between us.

Isn't it always fun to do something when there's a risk of getting caught involved in it? I mean like that risk of being caught just adds some excitement to it. And yeah I can't expand more on that...just take my word for it or don't. =o)

Yeah I'm still trying to enjoy being single. At times I enjoy it and other times I just hate it. It really sucks for those times when you find some guy that is really cool and you get along with and there seems like there could be something there, but there's something that makes it almost impossible to even give it a shot. Those are the situations that suck the most. They just frustrate you and almost drive you insane to an extent. You almost wonder why the hell life is basically f*cking with you by bringing this person into your life but at the same time saying..."no, no, no you can't have this person". Regardless I'm just tired of the single life really and the games that come with trying to find someone to be a part of your life. Really what doesn't help at all one bit is how guys think girls are bitches and do nothing but play mind games...so then the guys in turn act like assholes and play games. Then that causes girls to think guys are nothing but playas who play games and it keeps adding to the amount of people who actually do that stupid crap. There used to be a time when the amount of girls who were bitches and guys who were assholes was slim...but so many people hyped it up and felt the need to conform that it's starting to become more and more. Ugh! Wake up people and just be yourself...quit with the whole well someone else is this way so I'm going to be that way too even though deep down I'm not like that. Be a man or a woman and be yourself and don't give a damn if you're too nice or anything like that. It's a good thing to be like that...not a bad thing.

Okay so I'll end that rant for now. Especially since my ass should get back to actually doing some work. I hate being so quick at my job because then it makes it hard for me to stay focused and want to do more work. The old double edge sword...the more you do the more you are rewarded (or that's the way it's supposed to be)...but the more you do the more they expect you to do. Can't win for losing really.

First real session......

Yep today is my first real session with the therapist for my depression. Last week was more like a general session for her to gain random information about me like school and work and my living situation and where I grew up and things like that. It really wasn't a session to start trying to get to the root of any issues I still may be holding onto. Although we did tap into one that I'm sure she'll expand more and want to tackle more. I don't remember what brought it up but I started to mention about my grandfather passing away and had trouble speaking and of course started to cry. I know his death still affects me. How can it not? I was so close to him and he was the first real close family member to pass away and worst of all was having to watch him slowly die before my own eyes. He suffered from Dementia, Alzheimers and Parkinsons and all 3 just raced through his system. I mean I can literally look at pictures of him from one month and then another month and he almost looks like a different person as he started to fade away. Like when I graduated in '98 he wasn't too bad off but he was starting to go downhill. By that Christmas he was pretty much just there. He really wasn't aware of the world around him that much.

I guess it also hit me hard because he was always so strong so to see him like that just crushed so much of what I believed and thought. You know? I wonder what the therapist will say when she finds out I have never visited his grave. I kind of refuse to because his wishes were to be buried in Scotland alongside his sisters and family but my family here decided against it and buried him here. So that kind of pissed me off and is mostly why I refuse to visit.

I think the hardest thing for me today will be being honest and not trying to paint everything like a perfect picture. It's not easy for me to admit things that bother me or upset me. It's just the way I am and I know to get fully better and over this I have to stop that. It's just not easy to go from hardly letting anyone into your life and problems to having to open up completely and let it all out even if it's just a little bit at a time. I've got appointments the next 2 weeks as well. Not really sure how many sessions she's going to want me to go through, but we'll see. It'll kind of just depend on how I'm doing and how I feel it's helping me. I mean cause honestly if it gets to a point where I don't feel it's helping then there won't be a point in going. But right now it seems to be so...we're going with it. I'm just nervous since I don't really know what all to expect. I guess I'll find out in a about 2 hours or so.

Shhh...be very, very quiet -

No, I'm not hunting rabbits. I'm unfortunately hunting hangover relief. Yep it's the typical Thursday after hitting Scalpers and Johnny Malloys which means the typical recover from the hangover day because of getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep or around that. One of these days I'll learn my lesson. LOL Okay so at least that's what I keep telling myself but I obviously don't listen that well to myself.

It was slightly the usual crew - me, Gracie, Elle, Sully, Mike, Tim, Big Avi, Lil Avi, Ray Ray, Nick, Chris, Joe and Spike. Of course since it was the usual night...the usual conversations took place, the usual harassment occurred and the usual joking around happened often. I think I ended up getting home a little bit before 3 and got up a little bit 6. Fun, huh? And I wonder why I'm hungover. Why can't I wake up still drunk instead? I mean at least that's a bit more fun. lol

On a different note...I am soo declaring war on spiders!! Our house is bad with getting them on the siding during the summer. Well this one near our side door everytime I saw it and would look away so I could see what I could grab to kill it with it would run. I mean within like 10 seconds this spider would hide! We didn't have any spray so I couldn't use that. Anyway the other night I let my dogs outside and noticed the spider wasn't there. Suddenly something caught my attention above the top of the door frame. I stepped outside and looked up and it was the frigging spider!! The damn thing had been only inches above my head!! Honestly I almost think that sucker was planning an attack on me. I ended up getting a broom and beating the living hell out of it till I was sure it was dead. Then I went to grab the door handle and stopped as I saw a spider just inches away from that by the side of the door! I mean I almost would have touched it!! Ewww!! So yes that spider was introduced to a broom beatdown as I beat the hell out of it as well. Then I added 2 more spiders that were towards the back of the house to the beatdown. Anyway so far we've been clear of anymore spiders around the door. Today I drove to work and I park and start to reach over to grab my bag and what do I see on my passenger seat near the middle of the seats???? Did you say a spider?? You'd be right!! I had to grab a piece of paper and grab the sucker! Telling ya...they are trying to get me! Eww! Eww! EWWW!!

Well I got sidetracked and it's really hard to write about last night and really recap it. It's one of those you just have to be there for all of it. I mean minus saying how Spike and Lil Avi were singing Forgot About Dre and I took over doing the Dre part from Lil Avi. Then Spike and I were going to do the Fresh Prince of Bel Air song but didn't get a chance to. LOL Oh well till next time.

I'll admit to it

Okay so last entry I was talking about my close call with seeing the accident just right in front of me. Thankfully I don't have any other close calls to write about. Once was quite enough for me. So yeah apparently Tim is moving back to Ohio. Not that I've heard this from him. I've heard it all from other people. We really haven't spoken to each other in months. I'm kind of torn on how I feel about where things are between me and him now. Can our friendship ever be fixed? I don't really know. It may be one of those things that just needs time. But sometimes when things have happened and caused pain between 2 people can things ever really be the same again?? I'm trying not to push it or stress myself over it because there are other issues that I have to deal with.

I've avoided mentioning this before in here partially because...well I'm a bit ashamed of it. Not that I should be. It's something a lot of people deal with and have problems with. It doesn't make them less of a person or weak or anything like that. In fact for about 7 years or so I hid it from pretty much almost everyone with the exception of Josh. I always figured as usual I could deal with it on my own and fix it. To some extent I did but that last little bit is what I need help with. So recently I went to a doctor about it and now I'm getting some help with my depression. It used to be really bad, but now it's just a small issue that I want to be rid of. So I finally stepped up to get some outside help with it and I feel better for having done that. It's going to be another piece in my life that is going to put me where I want to be. See another reason I never told anyone was because I didn't want people to worry about me. I didn't want to have to worry that any little time I got down people would be like..."OMG are you okay? Do you need to talk? Is everything okay?" and pestering me when really I just need to be left alone till it passes. I think once I get that last bit of fog/haze from the depression cleared up I'll also have a better view of my life and what I want to do with it in terms of school and everything else.

I'm trying to think and I think I still need to post pictures of all my tattoos in here. Not sure I have done that yet. Plus I've got my newest one to add to the mix. It's between my shoulders below my neck. It's a Tribal design with my initials in the middle in Elvin/Elvish just because it'd be something different and cool looking. If I remember tomorrow I'll post pictures since tonight I'll be out at the bar with some friends of mine and won't get home till late. Good times. So yeah things are going pretty good. Work is okay. Softball is good and everything else isn't too bad. Until next time...

Too close for comfort....

The other day had something happened that was just wow. I had gone to breakfast with my parents. They were in their car and I was in my truck. We were at a light and there was I believe 2 cars in front of them and then this pick-up truck pulling a trailer at the front. Everyone got onto the on-ramp and started to merge onto the freeway (2 lanes). The one car passed the truck since it wasn't even doing the speed limit. The next car was kind of close to the pick-up truck. Then we decided to change lanes and pass the truck. Now at that moment there was a car coming in the left lane. By the time we got into the left lane there was the truck and like 4 cars all right near each other behind the pick-up. The second we were in that lane I'm looking ahead and I see the trailer start to fishtail. My opinion is when it did that the driver freaked out and overreacted making it much worse.

Somehow all the cars behind the truck managed to make the right decision with braking and swerving to avoid hitting the truck. The truck swerved into the left lane, back into the right lane as the trailer swung around and the truck ended up flipping and landing on its one side. I don't know how it didn't end up being a bigger accident. It's a miracle honestly. My parents ended up stopped a little bit up from where the truck ended up. I stopped and pulled to the side of the freeway and was almost even with the truck. I slammed my truck into park, even heard the gears grind a bit because I did it while stopping, grabbed my cell, started dialing 911 and raced across the road to the truck. I didn't even think about anything I did. I mean now that I think back I'm lucky all the cars further back stopped and no one ran me over. Both guys were okay that had been in the truck. The one had to get his seatbelt cut because it wouldn't undo.

I was amazed at how many people stopped. 2 or 3 cars going the other direction even stopped to see if everyone was okay and if they could do anything. About 4 or 5 people called the police. It was kind of nice to see people come together like that. Then I unfortunately got stuck until the police showed up. I mean traffic started to drive through the open lane and I couldn't run back across to my truck. Finally one cop was trying to clear people out and asked who's truck it was. I was like mine so he stopped traffic so I could get to it. Then again so I could get on the road. I'm still kind of in shock that it happened.

Not much else is going on in my life. Went out with friends last night and had a blast as usual. And then this week my 2 fall softball teams start up which I'm so happy about. I've missed softball and it's been over a month since I last played. Always a fun time especially if it's a league that doesn't care if the field gets screwed up...that means playing in the mud!! Did that once last year and it was a blast. Granted I went home almost covered completely in mud but I loved it. Oh well let me wrap this up for now. Drop a note if ya feel like it and let me know what's new with ya and how it's going.